How to win an election

On the way back toward the Union between classes this afternoon, I stopped in at Ingraham Hall to use the bathroom. Shortly after approaching the urinal and unzipping, I heard a voice behind me proclaim, “Why hello there young sir, my name is Professor Smith and I’m here to teach today’s lesson on human anatomy.”

I looked to my right at my new pee neighbor and my eyes were set upon a slightly disheveled fellow twentysomething. Even though the look was only passing, I caught the slightly crazed glint in his eye.

“That’s funny.”

“Oh, I’m only kidding. But you know what I’m not kidding about? The farce of global warning. Al Gore has the motive to make it all up. Look at him, all over the Oscars, and the Emmys… He just is looking to make a run toward the 2012 election.”

“You don’t say?”

“Yep, he’s just in it for the fame. You just wait and see. Have a nice day now.”

You know, I haven’t stayed up on the research and data on the issue as well as I should have, but regardless, this guy was clearly a little nuts. As much as I despise the highly gendered machoism behind the code of silence in the men’s restroom… Sometimes, it really would have been better off that way. Oh wellz.

Besides, if Al Gore truly wanted to build his resume for a true run at stardom in this day in age, he’s going about it completely wrong. He should follow the example of Connie Talbot, the 3-foot-9-inch-tall, 6-year-old Bri’ish pixie who dominated the scene overseas on ‘Britain’s Got Talent’ and releases her debut album, ‘Over the Rainbow’ this week. This cherub’s too busy collecting her millions to make her Christmas list, much less worry about some piddly-diddly global warming “crisis.” Check out her heartstring-tugging performance of a homo classic from last summer’s show below.

Obvie, the way to truly win the heart of a nation is through girlish charm, not through hardly-groundbreaking research or lowly Nobel Peace Prizes. Everyone knows that. I mean Al Baby…

Not to be a hater, I think you really could use a little more activity to get the swing back in your step, based on this photo from Georgie’s Tupperware party at the Oval Office earlier today. Perhaps a stint on ‘Dancing With the Stars’ would do the trick? Maybe some of the 2008 candidates could do the same? Hilary dueling it out on ‘Tila Tequila’? Barack representing on ‘Real World’? The possibilities of reality television stardom are endless, Washington. Endless.


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