And I’m back…

Greetings!

I have emerged from a long cocoon-like hiatus via my final semester of university classes with this butterfly of a posting. Since we last talked, I officially am authorized by the state of Wisconsin to be a journalist and mass communicator, so with summer on the horizon, I felt it was my duty to renew my dedication to this blog’s banter.

My other new distinction is that of college-educated waiter, allowing for more free time to post to this page. A lot of things have gone down in the past few months since I last published content, so rest assured that: a) I have a lot on my mind, and b) I warned you. If you’re not ready for honest, satirical, dark and zany commentary on the world around us, I’d probably skip past this page. If you’re ready, however, let’s party.

During my time away, I couldn’t help but notice that there are a lot of people out there somehow finding this page. March 2008 brought nearly 800 readers here, despite new content, and the months that have followed have shown similar growth. Though it is slightly depressing to realize that more people read this blog when I don’t write anything new on it, I will simply ignore the fact and chalk it up to the google bots of the interwebs simply getting better at indexing noteworthy quips on current events. Or maybe it was all just coincidence.

At any rate, I thought that I would share the top ten search engine terms that y’all have used to find me in the past three months. Rest assured that this blog will remain dedicated to these terms and issues, as the readers have clearly spoken. (See, the web does support democratic ideals!) Here is what America wants to see:

    1. Dolly Parton
    2. Heidi Klum

    3. Feist: The Reminder

    4. Jessica Ellen Stasinowsky

    5. Valerie Parashumti

    6. Heidi Klum + Victoria’s Secret

    7. Lawrence King

    8. Miss Puerto Rico

    9. Couples kissing

    10. Victoria’s Secret models

On that note:

Dolly Parton reading

Dolly Parton can read — and pursue lawsuits with boogeymen like Howard Stern, too!

Heidi Klum shopping for produce

Mama Klum shopping for produce with baby Seals — I wonder how she feels about the Lifetime takeover of ProRun?

Leslie Feist’s recent performance on the Colbert Report

And I couldn’t help but include this photo, from the crowning moment of my life to this point:

Me with Nick Verreos!

Yes, that is me standing with Nick Verreos, of ProRun fame, circa mid-April. Rumor has it that Uncle Nick may be coming back for a future all-stars edition of the show (shame to OK! Magazine for claiming that Santino Rice won PR S2.. how could anyone forget fabo Chloe Dao’s victory?)… Anyhoo, contact me privately for any goss that may or may not have been discussed.

So, stay tuned for more washed-up musician/actresses, long-legged supermodels, indie musicians featured in Apple ads, raging lesbians, cases for queer activism, beauty queens, reality TV stars and much, much more. Happy summer!

French fries causing all sorts of drama

This past week has seen an unusual amount of french fry-related incidents resulting in arrest. Perhaps people are just getting a bit tense under the pressure of meeting (or not meeting) new year’s resolutions?

* Thursday evening at a Florida McDonald’s, 75-year-old grandmother Jean Merola was arrested for disorderly conduct following an altercation with a police officer. Merola was waiting for her drive-through order to be completed when the police officer attempted to get Merola to move her car from allegedly blocking traffic. She was released from the jail after 90 minutes, and an apology has been issued to her by the Clearwater mayor.

* In Jacksonville, Fl., 31-year-old David Spillers caused $75,000 worth of damage to the neighborhood McDonald’s when he rammed his car into the restaurant, including sitting and children’s play areas, after receiving an incorrect order — missing two bags of fries — earlier in the day. He faces charges of felony criminal mischief and reckless driving.

* A man was stabbed in the back by another customer at a Serra Mesa, Ca., McDonald’s when he asked the restaurant’s managers to remove two potty-mouthed and aggressive teens that were disrupting lunch with his five-year-old daughter. The man has survived the wound and the assailant was found and arrested shortly after the incident.

At any rate, it would probably be a good idea to stay away from McDonald’s for a while, to avoid being arrested or shanked.

Arrest and stab wound-free.  She probably doesn’t eat much McDonald’s.

In other corporate conglomeration-related news, Heidi Klum was announced today as the face of the Diet Coke Red Dress Program, a new campaign partnering Diet Coke and the Heart of Truth in building awareness of heart disease among women. Klum will don a purty red dress to the Academy Awards presentation in February, with supporters of the campaign later being given the chance to later win the dress.

This partnership seems a little ironic to me at the moment, given the recent research findings that consumption of caffeinated beverages (such as Diet Coke) makes women particularly vulnerable to miscarriages. Hmmm.

On this cold, snowy day, I find myself craving a Diet Coke (and perhaps even a cheeseburger Happy Meal) on the eve of the beginning of my final semester of classes at UW. Twelve credits away from “freedom”, it is bittersweet. As much as I am looking forward to the prospect of financial freedom from more reliable employment and breaking into what I truly want to “do with my life,” the bubble of Madison has never felt more like a comfortable home. It is true, a large part of my heart will always remain in Madison, and particularly with those whom I have met here. Here’s to making this semester count.

And I leave you with an absolutely infectious track from French singer Julie Budet, who performs under the stage name of Yelle. Enjoy!

Download: Yelle ‘Ce Jeu’

On the airwaves..

As a student of mass communication, I am constantly frustrated by the boredom presented by American advertising. Advertisers consistently insult our intelligence as viewers and consumers of information. When ads do manage to steer away from dullness, they are usually degrading to anything feminine or nontraditional, catering to the interests of middle-class, Middle American mothers and fathers.

Breaking up the usual humdrum, queens of quontroversial advertising, Dolce and Gabbana have a new advertisement out on MTV, VH1 and The CW featuring several same-sex couples kissing. Apparently this ad has been playing frequently at all times of day on the networks. I wonder how much longer it will be before these sorts of ads are commonplace.

Dayum, gurl… Heidi Klum in last year’s show.

In other news, color me excited for the Victoria’s Secret fashion show Tuesday evening on CBS. Of course, Heidi Klum will be fabulous as usual, and the show also features Mr. Klum and the Spice Girls. I don’t know if anything will ever top last year’s show with the multi-million dollar diamond panties and JT’s SexyBack… but rumor has it that the Girls brought down the house.