And I’m back…

Greetings!

I have emerged from a long cocoon-like hiatus via my final semester of university classes with this butterfly of a posting. Since we last talked, I officially am authorized by the state of Wisconsin to be a journalist and mass communicator, so with summer on the horizon, I felt it was my duty to renew my dedication to this blog’s banter.

My other new distinction is that of college-educated waiter, allowing for more free time to post to this page. A lot of things have gone down in the past few months since I last published content, so rest assured that: a) I have a lot on my mind, and b) I warned you. If you’re not ready for honest, satirical, dark and zany commentary on the world around us, I’d probably skip past this page. If you’re ready, however, let’s party.

During my time away, I couldn’t help but notice that there are a lot of people out there somehow finding this page. March 2008 brought nearly 800 readers here, despite new content, and the months that have followed have shown similar growth. Though it is slightly depressing to realize that more people read this blog when I don’t write anything new on it, I will simply ignore the fact and chalk it up to the google bots of the interwebs simply getting better at indexing noteworthy quips on current events. Or maybe it was all just coincidence.

At any rate, I thought that I would share the top ten search engine terms that y’all have used to find me in the past three months. Rest assured that this blog will remain dedicated to these terms and issues, as the readers have clearly spoken. (See, the web does support democratic ideals!) Here is what America wants to see:

    1. Dolly Parton
    2. Heidi Klum

    3. Feist: The Reminder

    4. Jessica Ellen Stasinowsky

    5. Valerie Parashumti

    6. Heidi Klum + Victoria’s Secret

    7. Lawrence King

    8. Miss Puerto Rico

    9. Couples kissing

    10. Victoria’s Secret models

On that note:

Dolly Parton reading

Dolly Parton can read — and pursue lawsuits with boogeymen like Howard Stern, too!

Heidi Klum shopping for produce

Mama Klum shopping for produce with baby Seals — I wonder how she feels about the Lifetime takeover of ProRun?

Leslie Feist’s recent performance on the Colbert Report

And I couldn’t help but include this photo, from the crowning moment of my life to this point:

Me with Nick Verreos!

Yes, that is me standing with Nick Verreos, of ProRun fame, circa mid-April. Rumor has it that Uncle Nick may be coming back for a future all-stars edition of the show (shame to OK! Magazine for claiming that Santino Rice won PR S2.. how could anyone forget fabo Chloe Dao’s victory?)… Anyhoo, contact me privately for any goss that may or may not have been discussed.

So, stay tuned for more washed-up musician/actresses, long-legged supermodels, indie musicians featured in Apple ads, raging lesbians, cases for queer activism, beauty queens, reality TV stars and much, much more. Happy summer!

Designers, dykes and tigers, oh my!

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As much as I’ve enjoyed the beginnings of Project Runway Season Four, which sports perhaps the queerest cast ever, I often catch myself reminiscing upon the days of my personal favorite season of the show to this point — season two. Particularly the dreamy, though underfed Daniel Vosovic. Based on an interview published earlier this week in New York Magazine, it seems that Vosovic is equally “whelmed” by this season’s cast.

“I’m still waiting for that really big, wow moment,” [Vosovic] said. The show was better, he insisted, back in the old days. “Everyone now is so damn professional. I want that young, raw talent where it’s more of a risk.”

Don’t get me wrong.. A number of the remaining competitors are brimming with talent — Christian Siriano, Jillian Lewis and Kit are my personal favorites (and my early prediction for the Fashion Week finalists). It just hasn’t made for that interesting of television for exactly the reasons that Danny Sweetcheeks has pointed out. This is particularly true as the few “unhinged” characters left seem to be mere episodes away from their respective “auf”s. [Case in point: Sweet P and Ricky Lizalde, both of whom have been on constant verge of complete mental breakdown, while completing repeatedly mediocre work.] Here’s hoping that the drama will build as the field narrows in the coming weeks, and that Tim Gunn will continue to say things that make me giggle like a giddy school girl, such as this winner from a few weeks ago:

“I’ve made more bad decisions at 3 AM than I can list.”

Oh, Timo…

In other news, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled yesterday to approve the trademarking of the name “Dykes on Bikes” for the well-established San Francisco lesbian motorcycle brigade, despite an appeal by a (male) lawyer who argued that the term was “disparaging (to men), scandalous and immoral.” Michael McDermott additionally argued in his complaint that the group was, by nature, comprised of “hyper-militant radicals hateful toward men.” Kudos to the Supreme Court for standing up against this crazed “men’s rights” activist. The Dykes on Bikes are one of the most recognized groups that regularly participate in Pride marches, with groups formed across the United States and Canada. Their presence is important within a queer community that all too often caters to the interests of the majority within the minority — gay white men. We all too often forget that oppression occurs in many different ways within the queer community, and that we are still mostly able to benefit from male privilege.

Tatiana, a feminist that went too far.

While on the topic of lesbians, how could I forget the militant, uber-feminist pussy-gone-mad Tatiana. No amount of privilege could have saved 17-year-old Carlos Sousa Jr., the victim of the tragic Christmas Day tiger attack at the San Francisco Zoo, who was buried this morning near his home in San Jose. Since the attack, Mark Geragos, the attorney of the surviving Dhaliwal brothers, has accused the zoo of improperly housing the tigers and engaging in a “smear campaign” against the brothers and is demanding an apology. Meanwhile, another witness of the attack has come forward saying that she had witnessed the brothers taunting a nearby lion shortly before the bra-burning tiger lept into action and mauled Sousa. My thoughts for Geragos? Show respect for the victim and his family, be thankful that your clients are alive and move on, rather than squandering the resources of courtrooms and investigative teams.

But still. None of this would have happened had it not been for hyper-militant radical feminist tigers existing in the first place. Eliminate feminism and the big cat areas of zoos across the country will once again be safe for angsty teenagers to take out their bottled aggression on defenseless, caged animals. Tatiana, you went too far with your radicalism.

And I leave you with a song by feminists that are finding empowerment with far less fatal results. Below is a download of a fantastic dance remix of Tegan and Sara to brighten up this dreary, eeriely-springish-but-not-in-a-good-way Tuesday afternoon.

Download: Tegan and Sara ‘Back in Your Head’ (Tyler Fedchuk 1/2ALIVE Disco Remix)

Why you don’t piss off lesbians… especially Aussie lesbians…

Women killed ‘irritating’ girl, 16
“Two young women have admitted cold-bloodedly killing a 16-year-old girl because she irritated them.

They dumped Stacey Mitchell’s body in a wheelie bin and were still debating the merits of using chainsaws and lime to dispose of her body when they were arrested in Perth days later.

Jessica Ellen Stasinowsky, 20, and her girlfriend Valerie Paige Parashumti, 19, pleaded guilty to the wilful murder in Perth Magistrates Court.”

I don’t have anything too intelligent to say as a comment on this, except for day-um.. If I stuck everyone in a wheelbarrel that “irritated” me, I would have run out years ago. It’s just not economical, ladies.

And this quote from one of the killers REALLY gets me:

“No one should destroy your happiness and you should kill anyone who does.”

Um, seriously?

On a lighter note, last Wednesday evening at approximately 9:02 PM central time, the nationwide gaygasm was palpable as the two divalicious icons of gay culuture below shared the silver screen on ‘Project Runway.’

OMGZ!!!

Even the contestants themselves (particularly the ‘mos, i.e. half the cast) could barely hold it together as SJP walked through the door into the Parsons workroom, and it was frickin’ adorable. And I must add that Victorya’s gorgeous convection of a design has chalked her as an early favorite in my book. It was a perfect match for the Bitten line and will almost certainly sell to women of all types.

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Magnifique.